Greetings!
So, I have a gripe today. It has to do with ignorant people. I want to punch them. Hard.
For the purposes of this discussion (albeit one-sided, unless someone posts a comment...), I shall post the definition of "ignorant"; my focus is on the second listed meaning.
ig•no•rant/ignərənt/Adjective
1. Lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated.
2. Lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something in particular.
The "in particular" in this case is not about gay marriage, which is of course one of the most heavily debated topics right now--it is simply about being gay in general. In thinking over much of the hate-filled debate (being flung by both sides of the aisle) in the gay marriage issue, it occurred to me that there is so much misunderstanding and confusion in definitions of basic concepts, only causing the whole subject to get more volatile. So, we're taking it back to the basics & I'm sharing my thoughts--with random & long tangents to be interjected, I'm sure. (Side note: I have been asked by several people what I think about gay marriage, but that will have to be another discussion saved for another day.)
Being gay. Well, it's definitely not for the weak. I do know that much. I also know I didn't choose to be gay. We'll get back to that in a moment. First, back to "being gay". In my opinion, this is where the greatest, biggest, hugest, most monumental confusion exists & it annoys me beyond belief at how ignorant people are in understanding the basics with this & in combining two separate components to make "being gay" mean anyone that's living a gay lifestyle. Once this ill-placed assumption is made, the scriptures start a flying & the hateful words are flung under the name of Christianity.
What people seem to forget is that there's a difference between a person being gay and a person who is gay who chooses to act upon those feelings. A HUGE difference. One is a sin; the other is not. When someone is tempted to do an action, there is no sin. Sin does not occur until a person actually moves forward with their temptation and completes said action. What's interesting to me from growing up with the strong religious surroundings I had is that so few people actually get that component--and I feel I know this because of all the thousands of members of my church that I encountered over the years & of all of the counsel I heard, only ONE person ever bothered to point this out to me--and so people needlessly waste time hating themselves for being tempted because somehow they're falling short. Not only should they not hate themselves when they act upon their temptation, but they certainly shouldn't be so hard on themselves when they simply have a temptation enter their minds. But that's not generally how it works--and I imagine this is the case in most religions.
Considering that, as a whole, our nation is filled with people who have religious backgrounds to some degree, it shouldn't shock me that this root misunderstanding leads to a whole heap of hatred spewing directed at others who are different from one's self, but it does (shock me, that is). Why? Because we, as a human race, should be bright enough to have gotten past this by now! Instead, we listen to others, believe without question what's told to us or what traditions are handed down to us. (In the case of self hatred due to basic temptation entering one's mind, I think it's more of a societal norm passed on, rather than a verbalized thing--though there are plenty of verbalized ways in which this attitude is manifested in sermons or religious lessons.)
So, in general terms (not even dealing with homosexuality), we have the bulk of people confusing temptation and actions for being one and the same, resulting in a tempted person being viewed as a sinner--even if they never complete the tempted action! It'd be like a person thinking of stealing a candy bar & being labeled a thief just because the thought entered their mind. This overall attitude leads a person to view themselves that way (resulting in no leeway for personal mistakes) & often that person is surrounded by others who would view/label them the same if they knew of the person's temptations in the first place. Because of this, most people are afraid to open up to others because of the judgment (perceived or actual) they'll face. This is why most gay people have a hard time "coming out". This is why many gay people choose to commit suicide over coping with this.
In some cases, it mentally is just too hard for a person to see that they will be OK and that they can get through this. When appropriate support systems aren't in place--and sometimes even when they are, though it's generally the former over the latter--and a person not only feels alone in the world, but that they will be hated by those around them if they only knew the truth, they hate themselves and believe that God must hate them too. It is then not at all unfathomable to comprehend why some would choose death over life. This is so incredibly sad to me--life is such a beautiful gift & I absolutely HATE that anyone would ever feel that death is the only option. Do I understand why they may feel that way? Absolutely. More than I care to think about, truth be told. But, it still saddens me to no end.
Alas, I digress. But, I hope you can see how dangerous this line of thinking can be and why certain things (like someone coming out) can seem more difficult than staying "closeted" about their challenges.
Back to the fundamentals of "choosing" to be gay...
I did not choose to be gay. I did, however, make a conscious choice to act upon it. Was it a difficult choice to act upon it? Yes and no. Yes because of my religious beliefs & my own judgmental attitudes; no because I knew it was the only way that I would ever be able to release my self hatred and find any level of peace within myself.
Saying that someone chooses to be gay is the same as saying someone chooses to be straight. You can argue that point with me all you want, but I'm telling you that being gay was as much of a choice to me as you (assuming you're straight) had in who you'd be attracted to. Why would I, particularly considering the social & religious ramifications prevalent in my life, have purposely chosen this? And, not only that, but I knew this about myself from a VERY early age--so early, in fact, that I couldn't have fully understood what making a choice like this meant, let alone understood how to stick to this choice into adulthood. Instead, I spent my years praying and fasting and praying and fasting and praying and fasting, all in hopes that I would "pray away the gay". I even tried bargaining with God so that he'd take away the thoughts & feelings that came to me all too naturally; that clearly didn't work. So instead I was told to change my natural attractions.
If it helps to mentally wrap your brain around the concept of changing the feelings of who you're attracted to, I'll use this analogy--think about how you feel about the opposite sex (again, assuming you're straight). Think about how you feel when you pass someone on the street, see someone at the mall, etc., and how naturally you are drawn to check them out, find some to be attractive, etc. If you're married, think about how attracted you are to your spouse--and how attracted you were to the various people you dated before finding him/her. Now, imagine that a large population of people told you that you're wrong for being naturally attracted to those people & that instead, you need to be attracted to someone of the same sex. Not only that, but you need to be attracted to the exact same degree--to the point you can see yourself married to them & spending the rest of your lives together. You literally cannot, even for a nanosecond, follow your natural attractions and instead you have to switch your entire self to only find the same sex to be attractive. Seriously stop and think about that for a second. Remove all your doubts that this is how strongly gay people feel--accept it as fact, even if just long enough to think this all through. Can you then see how telling someone they're making a choice to be gay is such a ridiculous statement to make? Can you see that a gay person is no different than you in that they have natural attractions just as strongly as you do--but that they are just directed differently? If you can't, then repeat the exercise until you get it, or at least somewhat get it, before reading on.
Now for the second part of my two-part point: acting upon being gay. So, go back in your mind for a minute to the moment when you understood how much of a non-choice it is to be gay. What do you do at that point? Do you swear yourself to a lifetime of celibacy? You could. Do you decide you'll never kiss a soul you're attracted to or go on a date? You could. Do you decide that you're going to date, but that your dating life will only ever consist of single dates so that you'll never get attached to any one person? You could. My point is that THIS is where you have your choice. While, depending upon your religious & personal beliefs, the choices may not really be that attractive or desirable compared to what others get to choose from, they are indeed still choices that you have to make. And, as I hopefully got the point across of earlier, those are the choices for which you'll be judged come Judgment Day--not for your attraction to the same sex. Will I be held accountable for the choices I've made and will make in life? Absolutely. So will you. Do I wish I'd had better options in some areas of my life? You bet. You probably do too. But, I didn't, so in the choices that I do have, one that I've made is that I'm going to live the best life I can with what I have to work with. That's all any of us can do.
So, after all of this, perhaps you can now understand how insulting it is for a gay person to be told that they chose to be gay. No, my friends, we did not. I daresay 99.9% of gay people wouldn't have chosen it if it was, in fact, ever a choice. As the debates continue about what rights people should have based upon their sexuality, I'd hope that if you didn't before, you will now stop for just a second and realize that the fundamentals of many anti-gay arguments are formed upon ignorance--that is, lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something in particular. And my hope is that, whatever you choose to believe, your beliefs will be more soundly based upon a greater knowledge of what it's like for someone on the other side of the fence.
I've said my peace. Amen. :)
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